The biggest problem we can have in relationships is disconnection. The problem is not finances, kids; lack of time, fighting etc. The problem is disconnection. Until the connection is re-established everything will be so much harder. Living disconnected complicates your life.

People communicate, hear, received and give differently. To become more effective in loving people we need to learn their language. Most often we love people how we want to be loved rather how they want to be loved. If we don’t learn their language we will constantly miss communicating the most important thing we need to communicate, love. We not only need to know the language of your spouse, friend or family member but you need to know your own. You need to know your own so you can communicate clearly what you need.

A book called, “The Five Love Languages” shares a few languages of love that can begin to be fluent in.

1) Gifts 2) Touch 3) Acts of Service 4) Words of Affirmation 5) Quality Time


A person feels loved by a gift not just for the gift but also for what it symbolizes. The gift means you were thinking about them when they weren’t around & not only that but you got them something that they like therefore it reveals you know them and care about what they like. You were thinking about me & were paying attention & know who I am. Here a connection is made.

Now, what happens when you forget a birthday with someone whose language of love is gifts. A disconnection is made. This disconnection comes from them feeling like you have not been thinking about them, you do not really know them. The gift love language can bring a connection or a disconnection.


The touch person will count the seconds since they were last touched. The touch communicates, “I love you & care about you” the lack of touch communicates, “You are neglecting me”. A touch person will feel something is wrong when he or she goes to sit down with their spouse & the spouse doesn’t sit right next to them. Touch will energize one that has the love language of touch.

Acts of Service

This is when one thinks, “these things are important to me because I know they are important to you.” The person with this love language might say some things that sound harsh for an example, “Dish washer is full”, “Almost time for dinner”, “There are dirty clothes on the floor”… & they think the other person will automatically understand that is how you love them but they are just little hints that sound controlling. We can many times see these comments as trying to control but they are actually communicating how to love them.

A persona with the love language of Acts of service person will walk into a room a feel anxiety because they automatically scan the room for what needs to be done. When we help them in getting things done, we love them by taking away anxiety & helping them enter a rest.

 Words of Affirmation

These people need to feel valued. They truly experience the truth of how life & death come from the tongue. So if you are going to share some critical feel back share it with word of affirmation. These people are more sensitive with criticism. You need to understand negativity & criticism is interpreted, as “you don’t love me”.

Quality Time

These people feel connected & loved when you engage with them. You must show this person interest but interest in what they are interested in. You might not be interested in what they want to do while spending time with you but since you are willing to lay your life down for them you will do it anyway knowing that this is their love language. You will learn to do what they like & you will learn how to listen. If you don’t you will affectively send them the message, “you don’t matter to me”.

Learning to become fluent in these love languages will set you up for success in every area of your life. I encourage you to learn the languages of love and begin to love on purpose with purpose.

Richard Martinez

Transformational Expert